Chasing Daylight

Attention: This is not a suicide note. It's just a very long entry.

Ok. So what is this insolent brat preaching about this time, I, who proclaim that I do not fear death when I've never even been close to one myself. As I post this entry inspired from a book, I'm kinda trying to avoid claims of pretending that I know death. Truth is, a part of me is afraid of the unknown. Yet, I think (and hope) that a some part of me is ready to embrace it. Since we never know what may happen next. (There's no Hiro Nakamura in real life to stop time and bring it back. FYI, he's a character from 'Heroes'. heh heh)

Perhaps due to the number of passings I've witnessed, I find myself particularly able to relate and be inspired by the book. (Or maybe the coward in me simply sees death as an escape, because I'm afraid of the uncertain future and the responsibilities it holds.) Maybe those who have been through near death experiences would utterly disagree with what I have to say and what the book narrates. Still, I feel obliged to put down this awe-inducing excerpt, from the biography Chasing Daylight by Eugene 'O Kelly. The book is written with such sensibility, clarity, wisdom of life (and death) that I feel motivated to alter my perspectives and truly make a change in my own life. Many of the principles and values mentioned, I could learn and apply. But of course, the priorities of a dying man and a healthy person may differ in extremes. Guess that's where a balance ought to be striked. Always plan like a healthy man, yet spend each moment as if it may be the last. (wah.... how to do that sia...)

This book about a man embracing his death is nowhere near solemn or morbid for that matter, and the greatest lesson one may learn yet could be from understanding there's a closure in everything. Ironically, this excerpt is not about death, but about living life. (The excerpt that even lazy-ass grace could get this motivated to rack her brains, blog one whole chunk about it and feel like making a change about something.)

- " 'I had always been a great believer in commitment, in every aspect of life that mattered to me. Total commitment to marriage, to family... ... To me, commitment equaled sacrifice,maturity, morality, certainty- virtues all.. Unfortunately, though, commitment, particularly in the business world, had come to equal time. Too often, your commitment was routinely measured by how many hours your were willing to work. By how much time you would take from you family... ...commitment had come to mean reliability, proving that you'd been there already and promising to be there again. If you gave away huge amounts of time, then it followed that you had exhibited commitment. If you did not give so much time, then by definition your level of commitment was suspect. Time alone was the bellwether....'
'Yet...after my family and sleepwalked through the past couple of nightmarish weeks, I had come to wonder about the true nature of commitment. In fact it's not about time... not about realiability and predictability. Commitment is about depth. It's about effort. It's about passion. It's about wanting to be in a certain place, and not somewhere else. Of course time is involved; it would be naive and illogical to suggest otherwise. But commitment is best measured not by the time one is willing to give up but, more accurately, by the energy one wants to put in, by how present one is.'
'Once I came to this idea, I felt as if I were onto something. I could not control time. I had only partial control over my surroundings. What I could control was my energy. How I allocated it. How I used it in response to outside influences. This.. -guiding principle- would help me focus on what I needed to focus on. Consciousness, not commitment, was a better...word to describe what I was always trying to move toward, from here to the end.'"

- "No more living in the future. (Or the past..) It is -was- exhausting to live in a world that never exists. Also kind of silly, since we happen to be blessed with such a fascinatinng one right here, right now.'"

- "Living in the present moment was tremendously difficult. But it has to get easier, I told myself, if you've been given a death sentence.
Doesn't it?"

-"...if I were in the present moment, I would be aware only of the experience I was having, not of how this might be the last time I would experience this, ever..."


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Right, I could go on forever with these excerpts and quotes. Go read the book. It's ranked beside "Mister God, This Is Anna" in my hit list of most inspiring books. Not as if I read a lot of books la.. but oh yes, I do read books other than Harry Potter.

If only we knew how to measure committment by intensity and consciousness, instead of time, the little things life would be simplified, made clearer and more enjoyable as we live the present moment.

I won't make any promises here, but I am inspired. =)


Footnote: ADHD kid, be here now, not out there anyhow. I don't believe I really need a hearing aid. Good night and adios for it's very late.