Chasing Daylight

Attention: This is not a suicide note. It's just a very long entry.

Ok. So what is this insolent brat preaching about this time, I, who proclaim that I do not fear death when I've never even been close to one myself. As I post this entry inspired from a book, I'm kinda trying to avoid claims of pretending that I know death. Truth is, a part of me is afraid of the unknown. Yet, I think (and hope) that a some part of me is ready to embrace it. Since we never know what may happen next. (There's no Hiro Nakamura in real life to stop time and bring it back. FYI, he's a character from 'Heroes'. heh heh)

Perhaps due to the number of passings I've witnessed, I find myself particularly able to relate and be inspired by the book. (Or maybe the coward in me simply sees death as an escape, because I'm afraid of the uncertain future and the responsibilities it holds.) Maybe those who have been through near death experiences would utterly disagree with what I have to say and what the book narrates. Still, I feel obliged to put down this awe-inducing excerpt, from the biography Chasing Daylight by Eugene 'O Kelly. The book is written with such sensibility, clarity, wisdom of life (and death) that I feel motivated to alter my perspectives and truly make a change in my own life. Many of the principles and values mentioned, I could learn and apply. But of course, the priorities of a dying man and a healthy person may differ in extremes. Guess that's where a balance ought to be striked. Always plan like a healthy man, yet spend each moment as if it may be the last. (wah.... how to do that sia...)

This book about a man embracing his death is nowhere near solemn or morbid for that matter, and the greatest lesson one may learn yet could be from understanding there's a closure in everything. Ironically, this excerpt is not about death, but about living life. (The excerpt that even lazy-ass grace could get this motivated to rack her brains, blog one whole chunk about it and feel like making a change about something.)

- " 'I had always been a great believer in commitment, in every aspect of life that mattered to me. Total commitment to marriage, to family... ... To me, commitment equaled sacrifice,maturity, morality, certainty- virtues all.. Unfortunately, though, commitment, particularly in the business world, had come to equal time. Too often, your commitment was routinely measured by how many hours your were willing to work. By how much time you would take from you family... ...commitment had come to mean reliability, proving that you'd been there already and promising to be there again. If you gave away huge amounts of time, then it followed that you had exhibited commitment. If you did not give so much time, then by definition your level of commitment was suspect. Time alone was the bellwether....'
'Yet...after my family and sleepwalked through the past couple of nightmarish weeks, I had come to wonder about the true nature of commitment. In fact it's not about time... not about realiability and predictability. Commitment is about depth. It's about effort. It's about passion. It's about wanting to be in a certain place, and not somewhere else. Of course time is involved; it would be naive and illogical to suggest otherwise. But commitment is best measured not by the time one is willing to give up but, more accurately, by the energy one wants to put in, by how present one is.'
'Once I came to this idea, I felt as if I were onto something. I could not control time. I had only partial control over my surroundings. What I could control was my energy. How I allocated it. How I used it in response to outside influences. This.. -guiding principle- would help me focus on what I needed to focus on. Consciousness, not commitment, was a better...word to describe what I was always trying to move toward, from here to the end.'"

- "No more living in the future. (Or the past..) It is -was- exhausting to live in a world that never exists. Also kind of silly, since we happen to be blessed with such a fascinatinng one right here, right now.'"

- "Living in the present moment was tremendously difficult. But it has to get easier, I told myself, if you've been given a death sentence.
Doesn't it?"

-"...if I were in the present moment, I would be aware only of the experience I was having, not of how this might be the last time I would experience this, ever..."


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Right, I could go on forever with these excerpts and quotes. Go read the book. It's ranked beside "Mister God, This Is Anna" in my hit list of most inspiring books. Not as if I read a lot of books la.. but oh yes, I do read books other than Harry Potter.

If only we knew how to measure committment by intensity and consciousness, instead of time, the little things life would be simplified, made clearer and more enjoyable as we live the present moment.

I won't make any promises here, but I am inspired. =)


Footnote: ADHD kid, be here now, not out there anyhow. I don't believe I really need a hearing aid. Good night and adios for it's very late.

父亲节快乐。Happy Father's Day.

I love my 老斗 (Dad), even though lately he likes to wake me up with the blasting of his karaoke songs that echoes through both his and my room doors. It could have been worse... it could have been my mum's off key singing. Right now, he's somewhere out there in Rivervale Plaza performing for some 'Father's Day' singing competition. I'm sure he'll be bringing home a prize to show off tonight, and to add to his cluttered collection of trophies. Just what a 狗窝 (dog-homed) house needs. And I thought I was good with all my sport medals, he had to put me into place... And that's my dad for you, constantly trying to steal my limelight. I refuse to forgive him for his exclamation on my b'dae party. "平时讲话那么大声,现在唱歌这样小声。" (Normally talk so loud, now sing so soft).

But of course, this 'happy-go-lucky' disposition is not what all there is to my dad. On the Wednesday morning, I took a humbling lesson from him. We were talking about his retirement and was just going on about what he intends to do after those years of hard labor work. Then i asked him (due to the nature of my current job in landed properties), why don't he make an investment with his savings and let the money grow? Why not get a bigger house? He replied: "住这样都很开心了，那么大的房子干吗? 钱都够了，拿来投资又怕这个怕那个。多钱很多问题的." (Why need such a big house when we're happy staying like this? There's already enough money, if you invest them, you're constantly afraid of fluctuations. Too much money will create a lot of problems.)

When I heard what he said, I was rendered speechless. I'm utterly amazed. True, one may strike my dad off as 不上进 (not ambitious). But in my opinion, he is the one who has truly struck the gold. By being 知足 (satisfied), he lives his life happy and fulfilling and makes the most of what he has. What's the point of working so hard when you're not happy? What's the point of having so much money when you don't know what to do with it, when ultimately... you don't know what brings you true joy? Desire for luxury surely isn't the answer.

Many people always think my 老爸 is very silly and blur but i beg to differ.. Dad has come a long way. He nurtured 3 successful daughters (pretty much la) and 1 very demanding wife.. he started his business from scratch with his own hands when there were others putting him down. He is one very strong man who buries his scars deep so that we won't see and worry for him. He is so amazing. I'm forever thankful and blessed to have him. My sisters used to squabble over who has inherited more of Dad's genes and temperament. HAHA. I'm proud to be his daughter and certainly hope he is as proud of me.

老爸， 我爱你。
父亲节快乐.
=)

I love simple =)

I love the sound of my guitar.
I love the night.
I love animals.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I love freedom.
=)

(And to quote Jason Mraz song...Life is wonderful)
"it takes no time to fall in love... but it takes you years to know what love is..."
Great song, great singer. I'd love to play the guitar like him.

Although I may have 2 senses failing, another 2 happen to be heightened - my tastebuds included - to compensate for whatever I'm shutting off from. I love to go without my glasses, see in negative spaces and kaleidoscope of colors, where the near and the far blends into shades of blurry colors and I'll be immersed in a world of my own, imagining how things look like. I love to look at faceless people and not be afraid of having to dodge their glances. I love being just a bit blind.

I love trilogies, yet sequels nowadays are always disappointing (Spiderman, Pirates, Shrek). Gone are the days of 'Back to the Future'.

But I still love my thrillogists. And now, back to my 'heroes'.

Just a little ... ...

Congrats Rach. Really happy for you. =) Training would be fun with you around. Been a long time since we were in the same training team actually. Hah.

I was pretty darn worried about the announcement actually. Didn't really think it bothered me that much until I was standing there. I felt my smile was plastered on all of a sudden. More of a sense of relief than happiness when I heard my name. Alas, my ego is intact this time. Almost. What to do but to do what I can from now on lor... Just learn as much from the coach as I can, while I still can.

Give it my best shot and keep no reservations?

Contemplating.

P/S: Gentle reminder. Jangan anyhow anyhow... I love my thrillogists. =)

for I have sinned...

Alas, the Sim with so much 'sim' (heart) has sinned. When the anger simmers, all is well. We recover with time. But today, I plead guilty to something else.

I have traded my old loves for new ones. Indeed, my fear of commitment is too real. I've been spending less and less time with my hubby ever since my new love came along. Sorry, lao gong, you bring music to my ears, but somehow we don't sing the same tune perfect despite the number of times we've been through. So right now, I've decided to have an affair with the one that gives me the adrenaline rush, the pair so bright and cheery, I fell too many times for...
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Muahahaha. So cool for what? After Sat's 'very-early-in-the-morning-and-I-can't-believe-I-woke-up-on-time' skating session at ECP with KK and tang2, I was possessed. I crave for that breeze blowing in my face, the adrenaline to stay constantly alert, the desire to master special moves, the falling and recovering from the bumps and ditches. Yellow is for courage, yellow is for hope, yellow is for joy. Yellow is for Livestrong. =) Thanks tang2. I wanna learn something new out of my stagnant netball 'pasttime'... I have and I still am.

Aside from the skating affair, splurging is my number 2 sin.. Even though I'm about as fat as a hippopotamus now, I've been buying clothes that I can only hope to fit into the few months down the road. No thanks to the illusion created that everything is cheap from the Great Singapore Sale season.. and I bought a Fossil watch that wasn't exactly on discount... hmmmm...

All this, when I'm earning only a measly $540 a month with the P.A job. The job where I have to lie more than George Bush does, through gritted teeth and knotted tongue. Luckily, things have been picking up since the adverts. Busy days they are, but I may finally earn my well-deserved commission. Bo pi let my bro-in-law close many deals. His family needs to eat and be taken care of... My sister has lost so much weight and Dovey is still very young. More importantly, I can't survive on winning mahjong money alone. True, I can sell Heroes VCD at $5 each. (After all, I'm still waiting for 'whatever' to finish burning so that I can watch on my DVD player in the comfort of my own bed before I sleep.) But look at the grueling number of hours my computer has to work through the nights for them, the number of msn messages I've ignored every morning I wake up to, and O... all those electricity bills... (but I don't pay for those, so that's ok.) Still, life is tough. I need money to buy my veniezia ice cream.. And what if I lose my mahjong games? Like how I lost that bet about the French Open today. What then? How am I going to pay for my cab fares?

Ok. Burn's done. And I'm officially dumping 'Lost' for 'Heroes'. Sorry Sawyer. I'm sad to have you leave me, and your lousy producers drag you down that 'forever-gonna-stay-mysterious' island. Allow my heroes put me to sleep tonight. For I need courage to work the next day.

P/S: Please pray for this sim's sin to be purged of unforgiving sorrow, and for my Ouxiang's win to triumph over Serena tomorrow.

Justine Henin
6pm SCV ch22. French Open. woohoo~

P/P/S: And I'm still jealous Jan share the same birthday as her on the 1st of June. But Happy Belated Birthday to you anyway. I was busy with work that day/night. I'm really sorry (and sad that) I missed (out on)the celebration.

K. My heroes are waiting for me. Ciaoz.